6 weddings and a shotgun
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: season 9 AU! Can our intrepid hero ascend the mane 6, win the girl and save the kingdom? Of course not! What are you nuts? He's 12! Still, it'll be fun to watch him try!


**Tales of the Falls**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

**ANNOUNCEMENT!**

**I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

**SUMMARY:**  
**On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

**The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.**

...responses...

...III...

In Ponyville ponies were laughing and singing...except Princess Twilight and her friends...they were heading toward the a reserved empty room in the community center...with bored and annoyed faces.

"Do we really have to do this? Can't we just say we stayed here for five hours? Your a Princess! Who'll question you?" Asked Pinkie Pie, not looking forward to five hours of 'waiting' in an empty room!

"Pinkie! I refuse to abuse my powers and lie about something so important! The tax ponies are very fanatical about this sort of thing! Even Celestia isn't above them! I refuse to risk all of your benefits!"

"Besides, it's a rather trivial inconvenience at best darling. Five hours of our lives once a month is a small price to pay for Tax exempt Status among the other benefits, wouldn't you say?" Pointed out Rarity with a smile.

"That reminds me, Dash...did you put up the POSTER?"

Dash smirks, "Yep I put the ONE poster up...right on top of the tallest tree in Ponyville park...thus satisfying the 'advertise in public place' requirement!"

Twilight smirked, "Good, alright girls...let's get this over with!

...

Confused? Good. Basically, it was pointed out to Twilight after her ascension that if she and her friends were to become a 'herd'. Then legally they would share all the same benefits as her: Tax exempt status, the right to declare any piece of land as a 'wild life preserve/protected/etc', access to the royal archive, and of course being allowed to change the local official date.

The downside? They're required by law to take five hours every month to interview to find an 'Alpha stallion'. At first Rarity was ecstatic about this- everyone else being fairly neutral -however...as time went on-

...

"I'm great with kids!" Insisted a middle-aged Stallion. "Were a package deal, isn't that nice?" Stated his elderly mother by his side...

...

"Come on. You with the XX chromosomes and me with the XY chromosomes, let's make some biology!" Stated a nerdy stallion...

...

"Come on little ladies! Gil's been struck down so many times already! Give old Gil a chance!"

...

"Hypothetically; how would you feel about a single dad who was currently still trying to get their Elementary school diploma?"

...

"Where am I?" Asked the elderly Stallion.

...

Sadly, it seemed like capable Stallions were practically nonexistent! The vast majority seemed to be- as Pinkie so elegantly put it -'background Ponies'. The few decent stallions were either like Big Mac(related to one of the herd), Mr. Cake(already in a loving relationship), Cheese Sandwich(they could barely handle one Pinkie, never mind a MALE Pinkie), Blueblood(jerks) or Discord (No, just no).

Even Rarity was eventually disillusioned of the thought of ever finding a decent Stallion. So now here they were...just going through the motions, treating the five hours more of a boring nuisance more then anything. Any thoughts of a potential love connection had long since fizzled out, and the girls honestly were okay with that. There was no rush...and they didn't find Stallions all that interesting anyway(as in there aren't any that aren't big, boring duds. Get your mind out of the gutter!) and they were perfectly happy of the direction their life was going currently...so why rock the apple cart?

...and as if on cue...

"Hello? Is this where you give the interviews?" The six mare looked over from their table surprised, they'd only been here a couple minutes. These days any interviewers came near the end of their five hours when the community Center information booth was open and they were required by law to advertise the interviews. In walked a little blue earth pony colt. "Oh, hello there little guy. Did you get lost?" Asked Twilight concerned.

The little colt seemingly swallowing down his annoyance, instead forced a smile. "No, my name is Dipper Pines and I'm here to apply for the position of Alpha Stallion for your herd."

There was a long pause...the mane six quickly suppress some chuckles as they give each other knowing smirks. "Oh, so you want to be our alpha Stallion do you?" Asked Twilight with a smile that was trying to be reassuring yet failed because you could clearly tell she was just trying VERY hard not to laugh at your face.

Dipper ignores this and just responds, "Yes, I don't have any credentials or references...but I was wondering if we could make a deal instead?"

"Oh, what? You gonna give us your juice box?" Said Rainbow with a snicker before being elbowed by Rarity who was trying(and failing to keep her face straight) "Shh! (snicker) Come on- (giggle) Be nice Rainbow! (snort)"

Dipper did his best to pretend he didn't hear this...

He plops a contract onto the table. "My proposal is this: in exchange for your hooves in marriage, I have to make the rest of the mane six alicorns in under a year from now."

The mane six couldn't hold it any longer, this sent them into hysterics! They were rolling on the floor laughing! Dipper again had to repress his irritation. "Look, will you sign this or not?"

Feeling guilty for laughing- well, technically they were STILL laughing even as they signed it -they all signed the contract to humor the poor colt.

"Thank you", Said Dipper as he took back the contract as the seal on it glowed.

"Dipper, where are you?" Said a voice outside. Dipper groaned and rolled his eyes as a unicorn rainbow-colored filly cautiously entered the room. She groaned, "Dang it Dipper I told you not to do this!" She quickly used levitation to drag him away as he grumbles annoyed.

"I'm sorry about this, my brother gets all sorts of crazy ideas all the time."

"Oh, it's quite alright my dear. No harm no fowl!" Shouted Rarity after her as she finished dragging him out of the room. Rarity turned to her friends, "Oh, that was adorable!"

Rainbow snickered. "Oh, mercy I needed that!" Twilight smiled, "You know, there's nothing that says we can't mark that up as an official interview...and legally we only need to go through a maximum of one per month. I say we can rap this day up!"

"Works for me!" Exclaims Applejack as she and the others run out to enjoy the rest of their now free day. Twilight pauses only long enough to gather up the paperwork to take with her...not noticing it was now one extra...

...

As the weeks went on, life went on as well. Applejack worked the farm, Rarity grew her fashion empire, Rainbow continued to rise as a Wonderbolt star, Twilight continued practicing for when she ruled Equestria, Fluttershy worked with the animals, and Pinkie kept being Pinkie...

So of course, they quickly forgot about that strange little blue colt...

...Until...

Rainbow Dash snoozed on her cloud. "Mrs. Dash!" "Huh, wha?! Who's talking?" Asked a drowsy Dash as she woke up. "Down here!" Dash looked down and so a somewhat familiar blue colt.

"Hey...you! Are you one of my fans?" Asked Dash as she flew down. "Well...sorta. But... it's me? Dipper Pines? We meet over a month ago for the Alpha stallion interview?"

Rainbow just looked at him confused for a moment...then her eyes went wide...and she laughed. "Oh, man! I remember that! Heh, you here to turn me into a PRINCESS big boy?" She teased playfully.

Dipper bristled, but kept his cool. "Actually yes- He pulls out a chalice bubbling with a weird concoction -this is an elixir made by the legendary Seagull guru Jonathan Livingston. You drink this and then do a Sonic Rainboom, it should be all the catalyst you need to ascend."

Again, Dash chuckles. "Look kid, if you want me to perform a Rainboom, you just need to ask. You don't need to go through a bunch of mumbo-jumbo." She says in a haughty, playfully way.

Dipper, was REALLY having a hard time biting back his irritation...

"Look...will you PLEASE just do it?" He pleaded.

Rainbow just smirked, but decided to humor him. He drank the strange bubbling concoction and flew up to begin the necessary flight formation.

_"Heh, silly kid thinking he's a grown up. Well, the CMC learned the hard way that it's not that easy and I guess this kid's going to learn that too. But I'll give him a good show just to be nice."_

Rainbow began to zoom through the air, she felt a weird gurgle in her tummy but ignored it to keep going. She was in the final stretch to do her Rainboom-

**BOOM!**

****ZAP!****

**CRACK!**

The last thing Dash remembered was her body filling with light, the world transcending into swirling Rainbows around her...and a horrific pain as she crashed into something HUGE...

...

Dash groaned as she slowly awoke, she looked around...she was in a hospital bed surrounded by her friends...and the two celestial princesses?! "Wha... what happened?" Groaned the rainbow mained Pegasus in pain.

"We were rather hoping you could tell us...sister." Luna said that last part hesitantly.

"I...sister? What are you- And then Dash saw it. In the mirror next to the door...she had a HORN...she was an ALICORN.

And then it all came back to her; the colt, the elixir, the rainboom...that COLT had turned her into an alicorn...the same colt that they'd promised...

Dash went VERY pale, "UH, oh."

"Dash? What's wrong?"

"Girls...I think we might have a serious problem on our hands..."

...III…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

**AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my P,a,t,r,e,o,n account!**

**Love me, flame me, review me**


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